Sunday, August 1, 2021

On losing yourself

Today is the day I’m hoping to begin the journey back to reclaiming me.

After spending most of my life in church and being indoctrinated I was totally lost when we left. I had no clue what was right, wrong, up or down. Every friend we had was there. We lost so much. Then I lost my dad and my best friend, then my stepdad...and even a few friends I had outside my church bubble....Somewhere a long the way, I lost me. It was truly my biggest loss!

After my friend passed I was emotionally spent...I had dealt with so much loss in a short time I remember saying I hadn’t been able to deal with one loss before I had another...I made decisions that I might not have other wise made. I was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally and because of that I made decisions that I might not have made under different circumstances and that was to sell off all my livestock. I was just to tired to care for them and lost interest...depression maybe...

It’s taken me years to really get where I am today...I’ve had to totally relook at my church upbringing and realize I was taught some pretty bizarre things so that’s been interesting but also one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through in my life. But, I’ve learned so, so much about myself and lies we believe!

I’ll never get over grieving my family and friends...ever! But I have learned to put it all in perspective and realize it’s ok to continue to live life however I choose. Losing people is hard, so very hard, but it’s also a pathway to looking deep inside yourself and coming to terms with life and loss.

The most devastating loss we can ever endure is the loss of who we are. I’ve tried to find where I belong since leaving church in 2013...I’ve looked for my self in groups online, in my work, in my reading but was still lost and angry...why? Because I was always right here...right here on my land...I simply lost contact and connection...this is where I belong. This is who I am. I love nature, I love gardening, I love critters, I love sitting outside barefoot with my feet in the grass reconnecting with the earth from whence we came! I love herbs.l, I love the old ways, I love Mother Earth and all she gives us!

I no longer subscribed to much of how I was raised. I have found my own spiritual path that I’m happy with. It’s taken years of soul searching but was worth every ounce of energy I spent on figuring it all out. 

I feel all my loved ones that have passed are still here, around me daily. I see them daily in the birds, the butterflies, the breeze. They aren’t gone, they changed form😊

We can somewhat prepare ourselves for losing a loved one. We seem to know deep down that our loved ones will leave us someday. When they are gone, they are gone. We realize they can’t come back. 

You can’t prepare for losing never see it comes slowly and wake up one day and realize “you” are gone...and ask where did I go? It so hard because you are still here in physical form but yet you seem to be a shell of your former self. Years of hurt, abuse, lies, loss and pain slowly chip away at who you truly are and are meant to takes years of work in yourself to find you again. One thing I’ve learned is no matter what be true to you! Don’t let someone, anyone tell you how to believe, live or who you should be! You be you! Be true to who you are! You only get one shot to be happy and fulfilled...there are no do-overs....don’t waste precious time trying to live up to other’s expectations or beliefs! It’s simply not worth it.

Love who you are even if others don’t...there will always be someone trying to convince you that you should be different. No! You need to be who the creator created you to be. There is no “right” way to be. Love yourself no matter your age, size, hair color or wrinkles! Love you! All of you! 

I’ll be posting pictures later if my latest adventure! Stay tuned!

Until next time...

Love & Light

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