Another lesson I have found I learned through my dads dying process was to be yourself...Don't be someone or something your not...That is something I have struggled with for many years...Somewhere along the path of life I allowed others to dictate to me who I was and needed to be...the sad thing about that is I allowed it and in this process became very unhappy with my life and myself...Ironically I am finding now that I am finding me again, the people that loved the 'fake me' are struggling with the real me....
Let me see if I can explain...
When I say fake I don't mean my entire self was fake...I was a true christian, saved, and believed in the bible...I prayed, followed the 10 commandments(best I could... we all fall short)attended church when the doors were open and generally tried to be a good person,the person Jesus would want me to me...
But there was this nagging inside of me that kept saying something was amiss... there were some things I did not believe...I never believed all other religions were evil and came from Satan....I never believed deep in my heart all homosexuals were "hell" bound....I never believed in a literal hell, a place of fire where we burn for all eternity never to cease...I have never believed all of mankind is born depraved without one ounce of good in them....I have never believed one can recite a few words with another person of faith like a preacher and be saved...salvation is personal and needs to be worked out not repeat after me and all is good...but that's a whole 'nuther topic...
So when I say I was a fake, I think what I mean to say is that in order to fit in with the church I was in I went along to be accepted...Sad, I know...
During the time my dad was dying and my reformation was taking shape I realized that life is really, really short....Many of us spend what few years we have trying to find who we are, what we believe and what we wanna be...many of us also allow others to dictate that to us...We just go along with it, because for whatever reason we feel others, especially those in leadership somehow know more than us....I have found that to be false....Now, Im not saying leaders should be disrespected or looked at as less than...but that we need to really be careful who we put our trust in and we really need to know for ourselves what we believe and why...Many of the doctrines in churches today are fallacies and man made....they keep people in bondage rather than allowing freedom...I honestly believe, at least in my own personal case that the teaching of all other religions are wrong, and if you are part of them you will go to hell and burn forever is nothing more than a control mechanism used in cults to keep you in submission and to keep you from learning the truth...I cannot tell you the countless nights I spent in utter despair worried about going to hell....wondering if I had sinned in someway that day that was hell worthy...I was terrified...this is not Christianity....Please understand I am not saying satanism or any religion that promotes gross acts of violence such as rape, murder, torture or sacrifice of animals is ok...I am speaking of religions that promote love, kindness, acceptance, and that make us better people.
I have spent several months now in deep, deep research...research of Christianity and Buddhism in particular...I have found such similarities that it is astonishing...I have also found striking similarities in the story of Mithra and Jesus...the story of Osiris is also another mythological stories with shocking similarities....why and I telling you this?...It is certainly not to dissuade your faith....however I am a huge believer in truth...and the truth is, whether we want to see it or not is that there are other stories in history that are undeniably similar to the story of Jesus...Now does this make me unchristian to believe these stories...I don't think so...but many will disagree and that's ok....I am a huge advocate of do the research and decide for yourselves....below I will leave a link to a well done documentary of these things...
Switching gears back to more personal issues....
Over the weekend while doing some research and reading about abuse in churches I came across the quote that is posted above (very similar to the taking the mote from your own eye scripture in the bible...I paraphrased)...it was life changing in some ways....I have often said over the years that what you don't like in someone else is likely a quality you don't like in yourself...I said that over 20 years ago to my cousin and have said it countless times sense then...but for some reason seeing it in writing and realizing others see that as well just resonated with me...See, in the church I was in for 13 years there were 5 key players in my situation...A lay church member, my own aunt(moms sisters) the pastor, his son(associate pastor) and the pastors wife....each of these people I trusted fully...what I didn't realize is that they were not trustworthy...My aunt, well, I trusted her with my life...Her and I had many conversations in the last year I was there about personal things and even struggles I was having with a couple of members in the church....what I didn't know was that she was friends, good friends with the lay church member in question and both of them were apparently very good friends on the outside of the church with the pastors and their wives....unbeknownst to me every.single.thing I talked to my aunt about was going to the lay member and them straight to the pastors....however, we all know what happens in those situations....much is lost and added to in translation...its the way humans are....all of this 'talk' that I was not even aware of was infiltrating within the general body of the church and I became the topic of great 'concern'...it was all so wrong...none if it was the way it was portrayed...what does this have to do with my dads death of the quote above?...LOL
Well, when my dad was dying and I realized how short life was I began to see how we all mistreat one another in the name of Christianity...seems it doesn't matter in some denominations what the bible says if the pastor decides you are wrong, you are wrong and you get no chance to defend yourself...this is very common in cults...The very people accusing me of things were they themselves doing the exact same things and worse in some cases...So, when I read the above quote, that I had all those years ago realized myself...I had an epiphany...an a-ha moment...a moment of clarity and enlightenment...the angels singing alleluia in the background kind of moment....LOL...you get the point...I realized that they themselves possessed the very qualities they said I did....My struggle with all of this was because I don't see it...not out of not wanting to, but because the qualities are not there....those closest to me in my life will tell you they don't see those qualities either...I have spent all these years wanting to clear my name...wanting them to hear my explanation...wanting them to say they were sorry for lying about me...wanting something, anything from them...but when reading the above quote I realized none of what they think matters...they, are the ones messed up...they are the ones in the cult being controlled and lied to...they are hurting and for that I am sorry...these people did me a favor by 'shunning' me....they have allowed me freedom...and for that I am grateful...I now feel free to become who I really am...I have the freedom to figure all of this out for myself...I will never again allow the opinions of others to destroy me or my soul...I will never again buy into all the garbage that has been dumped on me and others in the name of Christianity...Please understand I am not saying Christians are bad,....most are not...they all mean well...but when we really, really study and dig and forge our own path...when we become serious about bible history and history of religion in general then and only then can we really begin to understand our christian beliefs and how they formed...in my opinion it is not evil or hell worthy to study the origins of religion....we cannot possibly know what we ourselves believe if we have never really studied...there has been much abuse in the name of Christianity over the years...it is a sad fact...I am a product of that abuse...so are my siblings...the hurt and destruction are great, but it has also allowed each of us to find our own way...it took me many years longer to begin this journey than them...I regret I didn't do this years ago...Many good, honest, "saved" people are leaving organized religion in droves....why? Because of the dogmatic way the bible is being used against people...I truly believe that is the reason in many, many cases....until pastors and and church leaders understand you cannot beat someone with the bible and scripture to get them "Saved" and to "Submit" this trend of church membership declining will continue and the shift towards a more loving, accepting approach will continue to emerge and I personally believe that is a good thing.
I hate that so many out there destroy others happiness in the name of religion...I hate that Christianity has been so misused and misunderstood...a good article on this you will find here... The bible: So misunderstood its a sin
So many churches and christians have used the bible as a way to control and manipulate people...its horribly sad...I have vowed to no longer be party to that kind of neanderthal thinking....I want to love and be loved...I want to show people a better way to live...a more peaceful and restful way...I want people to see God in nature and all living beings....I want people to see God as love not as some person or being in the sky waiting to judge our actions as good or bad...we must all walk out our own path according to what we believe...if God led us all the same way we would all believe the same things and be the same denomination....each of us have a path...and that's ok...we will all find God in our own time, in our own way...See, religion, all religions were designed as a way to help us control ourselves and our actions...religion was never meant to be used as a way to control others and their actions...christians are especially guilty of this...they use religion as a way to dictate right and wrong behavior for the masses...and many while dictating are doing the very things they are dictating against...sad but true...I have done it because it all I knew....
So today, because of a mere quote on the internet I am ok....I will no longer allow them(my old church) to continue to enslave me by allowing myself to believe their lies...I will no longer allow them to manipulate me with their accusations...I sit here today...free....free to be me...free to believe what I choose...free to be free....
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