The past few years have been difficult to say the least. 3 years ago we left the church we had been part of for 13 years, however I had known the pastor and his family for 35 years and loved them dearly. They were an "adopted" part of my moms side of the family and spent the holidays with us many many times before my grandmother passed away in 2001. The parting from that church was not on the best of terms and my hurt was deeper than anything I can express in words. I think this was the life changing event that set into motion of a chain of events that have brought me and my husband to where we are today. The church was a fundamental church so "rules" were just part of life. Looking back sin was more focused on that grace, mercy and love. I will not get into all the issues but even before the parting my husband and I had began to see some serious problems within this particular church...many of the issues could be called cultish. So with a broken heart and spirit we left.
Fast forward....with all the pain I was still carrying from our experience in church my dad became very, very sick in December of 2015. He had been diagnosed with COPD many years early but he had entered the end stages. For 9 long months he was in and out of the hospital with a collapsed lung, a blood clot and several times with pneumonia...my dad was not a believer and was not interested in things of that nature at all. He was also a very abusive man and I grew up in domestic violence. My dad and I had very little of a relationship but I was determined to put the past aside and spend time with him before he died...and I did just that! I spent as much time As possible with him...it wasn't easy as he liked to view the past through his own lens and it was quite clouded at times with his memories being way different than any of us kids remembered it...that was hard for us...but at some point in this journey it just didn't matter anymore...none of it...my daddy, the man that used to seemingly stand 50 ft tall and bullet proof, the man that would beat us because he had a bad day, the man that called us is horrible things was reduced to a mere 94 lbs and bed ridden...his heart became softened and even now I often wonder why this change wasnt made so many years ago...but it wasnt and noting can change that...On September 21st, 2016 he decided being an atheist was not a good choice and requested to see my brother.... Let me backup for a moment if I may....during this period of time I knew I was on a mission so to speak...I needed to show my dad unconditional love...trust me when I say this was far beyond an easy task....Speaking of God or the bible or anything of that nature was not something my dad would hear from me...my brother on the hand, well, my dad had a respect for men he didn't have for women...So my "job" ,the path set before me was to just love him....many, many times I would leave his house in tears because of the mean things he would say to me...I would swear I was never going back, but there was a drving force in me that would not allow me to stay away....it was God...I didnt realize this till sometime later...so back to the 21st....it was a Wednesday and I had been there for several hours that day...Daddy was weak, but talking and even laughing and singing(so NOT my dad)...when it came time to leave I kissed his head and told him I loved him and said I'll see ya Sunday...I was choking back tears...He feebly raised his arm and said come here...he wanted a hug...as I bent down to hug him...I said "Daddy" I want you to go to heaven when you die"...he sobbed...again I said I love you and I walked out of that room...I cried for hours that afternoon...I think it was tears from all the years of my life....all the pain of growing up like we did, the pain from being hurt in church...the pain of knowing my dad was dying....years and years of pain....I sobbed uncontrollably that day....he requested my brother after I left and when my brother got word he dropped what he was doing and went to my dads bedside...it was that day my dad prayed for forgiveness....it was that day he finally found peace after years of living in a private hell all his own...he found peace from the torture that plagued him all his life...he found peace with God.....That was on Wednedsay evening...my daddy died at 3:45 a.m. the morning of September 23rd, 2016....It was a Friday...
When my brother and I talked and he told me of my dads praying I said "Mission accomplished"....it was then the gravity and seriousness of the situation hit me full force...God, had worked though us to save a man that we believed was unsavable...I collapsed in grief, relief and thankfullness that my daddy saw the light and I collapsed from sheer exhaustion and cried for days and days after this...again....tears from years of pent up pain...
During this time of illness with my dad, I also became sick...for those that have followed me at my old blog know that some time ago it was thought I had MS(multibple sclerosis)
it turned out, with no doubt I have Systemic Lupus...So here I lost my church, find out I have lupus and my dad dies....Its been a hard year....
With the diagnosis of lupus and because I am photosensitve, I can no longer spend time in the sun...My most favorite thing to do....I love gardening and just sitting in the sun enjoying the outdoors...We have been "homesteaders" for 16 years....Depression hit me hard....life seemed pretty pointless at this time....
We made the decision to sell all the chickens and turkeys since I can longer spend time outdoors for very long and my husband cannot care for everything alone and work too....soooo...we no longer have chickens, still have 5 turkeys to sell....Hubby still has his pigs....for now...
In October I also reached a milestone in life....I turned 50....*Sigh*
Im going to end this entry here for now...but will contiune in a day or so...
Looking forward to reading about your goings on here on your new blog! Wish I was near....I'd take a turkey or two:) take care my friend.ReplyDelete
Hey! So nice to see you here! Thanks for commenting!Delete
Kris, Oh my gosh! Our stories are so similar that it's amazing. We too had to leave our church after many years and my abusive Dad died of COPD unexpectedly while he was down in Texas. And even though we had grown closer in his last years, I was never able to work up the courage to tell him I loved him.ReplyDelete
On top of that, after surviving melanoma cancer I have just been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia,chronic fatigue syndrome and emotional problems that keep me home more than I care to be. Even though I do love being a homemaker.I tell you all of this because I want you to know I truly understand how you feel. I;m so glad that you've created this new blog. I feel like we are kindred spirits and can understand and encourage each other. Hugs and blessings! ChrisDee
Hi! I would love to get to know you better...on this journey called life we all need all the support we can get...many times I feel very alone...thanks for stopping in and commenting!Delete
I don't quiet understand why the good Lord puts good people through so much. (((((HL))))) sending hugs, love, and prayers your way. We both have experienced a hard couple of years. It's time for us to live our lives to it's fullest. If that means slowing down a bit, so be it. We will slow down a bit but won't deprive our heart or our soul.
Hey Lady! I think things happen in life to make us better people and stronger people...we learn life lessons that we can pay forward and make this world a better place!Delete
And I know you've been through some rough patches as well...hang in there hard times are just temporary bumps on the road of life....smoother ways are always just around the corner!