Monday, October 21, 2024

Ancestry

It’s funny how meeting 1 person can make you question so many things! After meeting a certain person a few months ago and having a few meaningful conversations I have questioned so many things. Her being a Christian, she came from that perspective in our conversations, and me, being more of the pagan bent came from that perspective. Going back in my life I was raised Christian so those beliefs are not lost on me. At 46 I left the faith tearfully and began a “mindful journey” into who I was and what I believed. I’m still on that journey learning every day. 

One thing I had never done was any type of ancestry lineage stuff, just never really sparked an interest…until now!

I decided to do a bit of digging. I just decided to find out where I came from. Who am I and what am I made up of, what were their stories…I needed to know.

I believe our ancestors can tell us a lot about ourselves. They can help us understand who we are, where we came from, what beliefs they held. In my case I was curious why I am so very different from my family. What was in my blood and DNA that made me so very different…Why I hold different views, beliefs, talents etc.

What I found was more than I really bargained for but it made so much sense. Pieces of the puzzle are finally fitting into place.

On my mom’s side there were many puritans and some Quakers that had broke away from the mainstream Christianity. Interesting because many quakers are of a more mystical belief and many were accused of witchcraft... Nothing overly interesting on my mom’s side.

On my dad’s side I have Cherokee and Shawnee Indian heritage which was interesting because my dad always denied any Indian heritage at all!

The most fascinating part was is that I found I have ancestors that were not only accused of witchcraft, but the very first man ever hung for witchcraft was a relative of mine. His name was John Proctor. His wife and daughter were accused but never hanged.

In my family tree were also people named Southwick. Casandra and her husband Lawrence were quakers and were severely persecuted for their beliefs. Eventually their children were taken from them and were going to be sold into slavery but that never materialized. Cassandra and Lawrence were banished to Long Island were they died a few days later. There story can be found online.

I think all of this did help me understand myself better and why I have interest in the things I do. It has helped me clearly see why I left Christianity for a more peaceful way of life like the quakers. I am also extremely drawn to all things pagan and witchy.

The saddest part in all of this is that in the last 300 years not much has changed in the Christian community.  Christian’s today still persecute those that do not adhere to their beliefs. The witch hunts today seem to be the LGBTQ community. It’s seems that for at least the past 300 plus years Christian’s have held a disdain for anyone not like themselves. Interestingly enough though is that King James IV , the man that commissioned and authorized the KJV Bible was responsible for the biggest witch hunt and murders in Scotland’s history. Witchcraft was not even mentioned in the earlier writing of the Bible. Doing a deep study will yield the truth!  King James was a very paranoid and delusional individual. It’s hard for me to put much stock into a book that was changed by a delusional man. The very book that tells us not to commit murder was commissioned by a man that killed 100’s of individual men and women whether directly or indirectly! Make it make sense…lol

I’m not done working on my ancestral journey…I am absolutely fascinated by where I came from. I know I will understand myself and possibly my family better once I complete this process. If you have wondered why you are possibly different from those in your close family…maybe a deep ancestry search will yield some answers! 

Until next time…

Embrace who you are…

THL

Tuesday, October 15, 2024

Just be you!

If you are an extreme overthinker like I am you’ll understand all this! :)

For years I will worry, fret, think about, go over a situation and will replay the whole scenario in my head until I feel like I’m going to go insane…I will read, re-read, research, study and take notes to be sure I understand…I will have regrets and wonder why I didn’t get that apology or why the person/people cannot see how they are or what they did, I will fluctuate between anger and understanding…I will go back and forth between unacceptance and forgiveness…between wanting to go back to needing to run away…it’s a cycle that is a crazy ride…

Then one day you wake up and it’s all over…you finally have come to accept the reality of the situation…you feel lighter…you no longer feel like you need to explain, you no longer need nor want outside validation because you have finally come to understand your validation is all that matters…you no longer care to explain yourself to anyone…you understand your life, your experiences and your path is yours alone and there’s no way anyone can or will ever understand….most people are to busy trying to get you to understand their path, their experience and wanting you to validate them!

Once you are able to get off the hamster wheel of over thinking, trying to get validation, and needing to be understood your path becomes very clear…it’s like a veil has been lifted and you can finally see clearly…

I’ve been on the hamster wheel for damn near 12 years…I’ve wasted so much of my life, my energy, my time…

I think maybe writing it out out has helped me tremendously…getting it out of my head has helped put it in perspective…

I hope if any one stumbles across this blog and reads about my experiences it helps them to know they are not alone. There really are hundreds of thousands of us out there…I see you, I hear you and I feel your pain!

It does get better! One day, just like me you will wake up and have such clarity and everything will just make more sense. You will no longer have the desire to explain yourself, your choices, you beliefs, the way you live your life…you will simply just be you.

You will find self respect, self love and self validation. You will find the path that works for you and you will no longer give 2 shits who agrees and who don’t! They didn’t walk your path, you did! They do not understand the things you went through…many people choose to believe lies and live in a web of deceit…they are never able to understand a different perspective or point of view…they stay emotionally and intellectually stunted out of fear…fear of the unknown…they live in a box that they have been conditioned to believe is the the right way…and they think everyone should live in the box with them!

Those that are able to escape the box are labeled as rebellious, lost, sad, miserable, off course, back slidden and a myriad of other words.

For years that bothered me because I knew better…I spent so much time trying to explain myself to people…

I’m done now…done explaining, trying to be accepted, liked, I will no longer tolerate games from people…or their manipulation. 

I am grateful for what I went through because had it not happened, I would still be in the same messed up, jacked up, fear mongering, controlling environment I was in. I would be unhappy and trying to be someone I was never meant to be…I would still be listening to people tell me growing herbs was sinful…I would still be stunted in my growth as a person.

Today, I am proud to say I am out of that mess…I know the universe had my back and made a way for me to get out. Yes, it hurt..I genuinely loved those people…but they didn’t love me even though that was the foundation of their so-called beliefs…

I am happier now than I’ve ever been. It’s not been easy…I’ve learned about all the lies & half truths I was taught…I’ve had to deconstruct my entire belief system over the past 12 years…. I had no idea who I was outside the belief system that dictated who I was and should be… it is absolutely no easy task…it’s devastating when you learn your entire life was a lie! 

It’s been difficult to learn that something you held so sacred was twisted, mangled and construed in such a way just to control the masses. Brainwashing at its finest. 

I have found a more peaceful way…a way that really is more conducive to who I am and who I want to be. I can’t ask for more…I really can’t! Today, I am growing, learning and still discovering who I am, but I think we do that our whole life…it’s not something that happens, it’s something we make happen through shadow work, self exploration and spending a great deal of time in solitude working on ourself and admitting our short comings and working to be better. 

You will always have people in your life that will tell you your way is wrong…that’s ok…that’s not for them to decide…you will always have people that don’t understand and will not try to understand…you will always have people try and manipulate you using fear tactics with threats of damnation…again…that’s not for them to decide…people like this are not self aware…they have been conditioned to believe like the environment they are in. Self awareness in many sects is considered sinful…they think like the herd because that’s what’s right in their mind. Herd mentality has killed many, many people throughout the history of mankind. 

It’s ok to be different than those around you..embrace your differences, love your quirks, find your path and walk it, live it, and proudly embrace it! We only get one life…and it’s very short…don’t waste it by allowing others to dictate who you should to be! Don’t be someone your not out of fear, wanting to be accepted or seeking validation. You will find those things within yourself. When you are on the right path you will find your people and your people will find you! Be who the universe created you to be! You are special, you matter and humanity needs you and your gifts!

Until next time…

Love & Light

THL


Monday, October 14, 2024

I feel sad today

 

I have blogged for many years…I quit for a few years but still like to visit blogs I used to read once in awhile…

I came across one this evening I used to enjoy reading…he hadn’t posted in a couple years but in Jan. 2023 he posted things had changed…they had sold their farm animals when the kids moved out…due to age and no one to help…

It made me very sad…I felt that really deeply…hubby and I are getting older and with age come changes…I love our farm, our simple way of life…I get teary eyed thinking about not having my goats or chickens anymore…but I too know the time is coming…

Life changes so rapidly…when you’re young you just don’t think about getting older and having to give up the things that mean so very much to you….then one day you wake up and realize you’re not so young anymore…

Farm life has been our life for many years and we’ve worked hard over the years to build what we have…I wonder how hard it was for this guy to admit it just wasn’t possible to continue what he was doing? How long did it take to admit it to himself and his wife? Sigh…

I wondered what it was all for? All this work, time, money…what did we build it all for? Just to one day say well it’s over…

I guess for the joy of it…maybe…I know the time is closer than I’d like to think…maybe stumbling upon his post was  the universes way of preparing me for a time of letting go…

So much is changing in our society as well…sometimes the changes seem overwhelming…maybe this is the age all the change happens at once…lol…feels like a cruel joke or test we just can’t pass! I don’t know it’s just feels….different.

What I do know is, time marches on…change is inevitable no matter how much we fight it….aging happens…and the world keeps spinning…it’s pointless to fight it…all fighting does is make us miserable…we suffer needlessly…I guess it’s best to just accept what is going to be and be grateful that you are alive…

I feel sad tonight…not quite sure why…maybe I’m reminded I have more life behind me than in front of me, maybe I’m being reminded all good things end…maybe it’s feeling the loss of those bloggers that I once followed so closely and felt involved in their life somehow even though we never met…maybe I sense they are getting old too and feel like me…maybe it’s that an era of wonderful bloggers from a few years ago is ending…maybe we’re just on the cusp of something brand new and it’s hard to let go of the old…maybe I’m remembering the togetherness we used to have and it’s a stark reminder of the division that we now face daily…maybe that was the “good ol’ days”….

I know we can’t return. We can only move forward. We must move forward! I hope moving forward we can somehow find unity again like I remember feeling just a few short years ago in the blogging community…we were all miles apart, but shared a comradery…we were all different, yet found common ground…that seems so unattainable in todays world…we all instinctively knew we would face horrible challenges in the not so distant future…and here we are…we were laughed at, made fun of….maybe that was our common ground?…we had each others back…whatever it was, we were friends in an odd sort of internet way…I know in the future we will face many challenges…the worst is yet to come…I only hope we can find common ground and get through it…

Until next time…

THL



Thursday, October 10, 2024

Religious Trauma

WHAT IS RELIGIOUS TRAUMA?

By: CAMHS professionals 

Religious trauma refers to the psychological and emotional harm that an individual experiences as a result of their involvement in a religious or spiritual group or community.

This harm can occur due to a variety of factors, including abuse or manipulation by religious leaders, rigid or dogmatic beliefs, and social isolation or ostracism.

Religious trauma can have a significant impact on an individual's mental health and well-being, leading to symptoms such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and even suicidal thoughts or behaviour.

It can also affect a person's ability to trust others, form healthy relationships, and engage in spiritual or religious practices.

Examples of religious trauma may include experiencing emotional or physical abuse by religious authorities, feeling pressure to conform to strict religious rules or beliefs, being shunned or ostracised by a religious community, or having one's personal beliefs or experiences dismissed or invalidated by others.

It is important to note that not all religious experiences are traumatic, and that many people find comfort, support, and meaning in their religious or spiritual practices.

However, it is also important to recognise and address instances of religious trauma in order to support those who have been harmed and prevent further harm from occurring.

Treatment for religious trauma may involve therapy or counseling to address the emotional and psychological effects of the trauma, as well as support from a community or social network that values inclusivity, respect, and autonomy.

Tuesday, October 8, 2024

Church Abuse

 

I’ve written several post about my Christian experience. I want to be very clear that I understand not all church experiences are like mine. I understand that if you haven’t experienced what I or millions of others have it’s difficult for you to understand. I am not here to bash your beliefs in God. I am here to educate about this issue.

I write about my personal experience so others that may find their way here know they are not alone. I also write so that those that read here can learn about this very real and detrimental issue. It’s everywhere. Most do not recognize it. Many, many people are sitting under pastors and attending churches that are causing “Religious Trauma”. I’m going to share a bit of information on signs and symptoms of what “Religious Trauma Syndome” entails and how it impacts those suffering. It will also include things about “Stockholm Syndrome”. This is very dear to my heart and I do not want see anyone else hurt by people claiming to live God and do his work! 


What about Stockholm Syndrome?

The Stockholm Syndrome is a strategy of survival in a very, very bad situation.

Perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat …leaving the situation would result in being shunned, “marked to be avoided,” or “counted as dead,” it is almost impossible to escape the situation because the cost is too high.

In order for the Stockholm Syndrome to take effect the following conditions are necessary: One person threatens to kill another and is perceived to be capable of doing so. The victim cannot escape, and her life depends on her captor. The victim is isolated from support, or in the case of hostages, the knowledge that other people are trying to help them. The captor shows kindness as well as violence increasing with the victim's sense of being totally dependent on the captor.

 In my opinion, Christianity is the world's largest case of Stockholm Syndrome. All the pieces are there.

*Christians tell people that God will kill them, or rather, send them to hell, which is even worse. If the person believes in God, then he is certainly perceived as capable of doing this. After all, he's God.

*They are also told that they cannot escape God's judgement, and that everything in life depends on God. The success of this tactic is illustrated by the number of Christians who claim that without God, life has no meaning and is not worth living.

*There is no one to support them except for God. The only other being who might have the power to do so, the Devil, is presented as being powerless, and even worse than God.

At the same time, Christians are quick to point out how good God really is. He only threatens us because we deserve it.

The parallels become especially sick and twisted when we consider the analogy of the Church as God's bride. If that's the case, God has all the earmarks of an abusive husband, and it's no wonder that the cries of his followers sound so much like the cries of a battered wife.

What Is Religious Trauma?

Religious trauma is any trauma that takes place in a religious setting, often through psychological or emotional distress or emotionally manipulative practices.

Religion can play an essential role in a person’s life, and many may find incredible fulfillment in exploring their religious beliefs and practices. Many may also utilize these spiritual beliefs and communities for personal healing.

However, others experience negative religious experiences that can create religious trauma.

What Causes Religious Trauma?

Religious trauma occurs when a religious official or religious community uses a person’s spiritual beliefs against them to impact a person’s actions, decision-making, and well-being.

Causes of religious trauma include:

Using guilt and shame to control behavior

This often occurs in organizations that have strict moral codes and rules.

Strict gender roles

This is especially harmful when it is used to justify discrimination, shaming, or power imbalances between different genders.

Fear-based teaching-Hell

This often occurs through threats of eternal punishment, impending apocalypse, or some kind of spiritual damnation.

Excommunication and shunning

This occurs when “disobedient” members of a faith are isolated from their religious community. Their family and friends may be instructed by religious leaders to cut off contact with them.

Repression of critical thinking

This occurs when religious leaders discourage discussions of questions or critiques.

Physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse

This is often caused by religious leaders taking advantage of their positions of authority.

Is Religious Trauma a Form of PTSD?

Religious trauma can be intimately connected and share many similarities with the development of post-traumatic stress disorder and complex PTSD, or c-PTSD.

This kind of trauma is characterized by prolonged, continuous exposure to traumatic events. Religious trauma syndrome, or RTS, often manifests over a long period, with religious groups slowly affecting a person’s mental health, decision-making, critical thinking, and more.

Signs of Religious Trauma

Religious trauma can affect people differently, and each person will have their own unique experiences with religious trauma.

Individuals and their friends and families should all be aware of potential signs of religious trauma. This can empower each person to identify toxic religious communities and best address RTS with a mental health professional.

What Are Signs of Religious Trauma?

There are various signs that an individual may be experiencing religious trauma or continuing to cope with its prolonged effects. Some symptoms of religious trauma include:

Compulsive perfectionism

Faith crisis or becoming disillusioned with spirituality

Self-hatred, low self-esteem, or compromised self-worth

Constant feelings of shame or guilt

Hypervigilance

A distinct lack of boundaries between personal life and religious communities

Identity confusion, especially among women, LGBTQIA+, and religious minority members

Manifestation of other mental illnesses, such as anxiety disorder, depression, or eating disorders

 What Does an Unhealthy Church Look Like?

Unhealthy or toxic churches or religious institutions can come in many forms, but there are some signs of an unhealthy church that can help an individual begin the healing process.

An unhealthy church may show the following signs:

Focuses on punishment, damnation(hell), guilt, shame, and other negative beliefs about oneself

Has strict, authoritarian, and absolute rules

Causes an individual to feel belittled, or as if their personal worth is less than that of the culture of the church.

Exhibits signs of religious indoctrination-start in childhood many times.

Compromises a person’s sense of personal identity or causes an individual to feel shameful about their identity, especially among members of the LGBTQ+ community.

Cultivates a culture of punishment and external forgiveness rather than personal development or personal spiritual exploration.

Focuses on personal or financial sacrifice to maintain good standing with God or the church.

Gaslighting or manipulating a person’s religious beliefs and sense of self in order to control their behavior

Using religion, scripture, or doctrine to protect otherwise abusive individuals or to facilitate otherwise abusive relationships

Feeling forced to stay in actively harmful situations or relationships based on the approval of spiritual leaders

When a person has been denied the opportunity to make personal decisions due to the pressures of religious figures

Experiencing religious trauma often has long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health, self-worth, beliefs, perspectives, and more. Many of these beliefs can be detrimental and even compromise a person’s emotional, mental, and physical health.


What Are the Long-Term Effects of Religious Trauma?

Religious trauma has lasting effects on an individual, necessitating the need for professional treatment and clinicians to address these effects.

Some of the long-term effects of trauma include:

Pervasive feelings of shame, guilt, and low self-worth

Panic attacks

Flashbacks to specific traumatic experiences or instances of spiritual abuse

Compromised personal relationships, or inability to nurture personal relationships

Difficulty trusting others

Pervasive feelings of hopelessness, especially in combination with guilt, as well as blaming oneself for all negative aspects of life

Depression

Confusion or compromised decision-making skills, especially when outside of the faith community

Dissociation or compromised sense of personal identity

Fear of eternal damnation

Anxiety

Anger

Feelings of isolation, both in regards to a person’s faith as well as isolation from others, even outside of any given religious group

Suicidal ideation

How Does Religious Trauma Affect the Brain?

Some of the ways in which religious trauma affects the brain include:

Emotional, sexual, and social delays, especially when engaging in an unhealthy religious environment from a young age or throughout childhood

Compromised decision-making skills and critical thinking skills, especially outside the context of a religious institution

Low self-esteem or perspective of self-worth

Panic attacks, anxiety, and depression

Trauma of any kind can profoundly affect the brain, affecting a person’s beliefs, perspectives, attitudes, mental health, and much more. Religious trauma and its connection to post-traumatic stress disorder and c-PTSD can have equally as profound effects.

Religious trauma can also inform the development of other mental illnesses and disorders. This includes anything from anxiety disorders and depression to post-traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, social disorders, and even substance use disorder to cope.

Again I want to make clear, I do not believe all churches are toxic. I do believe everyone should earnestly take a look at their situation and examine the practices and doctrines they are being taught. There are very subtle things that can be missed. I think parents need to be engaged in what their children are being taught by others and take a hard look at what they are teaching their own children in the way of eternal damnation(hell).

More later…

THL




Monday, October 7, 2024

The End

You ever think you know someone and find out they are not at all what you thought? That’s a tough one isn’t it!?

Visiting a “friends” Facebook page I saw something that floored me…something childish and in my opinion stupid! I probably shouldn’t have been shocked like I was because I’ve said a million times, you never really know someone…even after years of talking you just never know. People are good at being fake…unfortunately I’m real and tell it how it is and I guess I expect the same, but my expectations and the reality are very different…

Sometimes I just feel very alone…like I’m surrounded by people from another dimension…LOL…there’s just so much I can’t understand these days…lord knows I try..I read, I listen and I try, but in the end I’m just alone…

My hubby gets it, my kids get it..but my extended family…they don’t get it…I have few “friends” and that list is getting smaller…they don’t get it…it’s hard…

Maybe it’s meant to be this way…I’ve always been an independent kinda gal, never fit the status quo, never fit in, always viewed the world through a different lens, don’t follow the crowd just because it’s the popular thing to do…I’ve always been a bit of a loner, thinker, quiet, reserved, observant, don’t speak unless spoken to, lover of deep conversation kinda woman…it’s hard in our loud shallow world…people like me aren’t appreciated, questions aren’t welcome and facts are hated..lol..

We learn to just stay quiet for the most part, unless we are passionate about something then we speak up…usually met by lots of opposition and explanations why we’re wrong…sigh

The shallowness I see in our society these days is astounding…critical thinking skills are all but lost…facts are not important these days(to most)…memes and reels on social media have become news sources…hate & lies are the new fashion statement!

No one likes questions that challenge their beliefs…those that challenge are labeled difficult, argumentative, mean, evil, uneducated, etc…it’s kinda funny because the truth is they don’t have answers, real answers…they just repeat what’s been told to them…and because of that, they have no solid answers and blame the challenger for causing problems.

It’s a real struggle…I know I’m not alone, I just live where I’m surrounded by people different than me…they have a right to live and believe as they see fit…but man! It’s soooooo hard. I feel alone…not lonely necessarily, but I would love to have a friend that could have deep, meaningful conversations about the really important things! A person that cares as much about the state of humanity as I do, that cares about the earth, and is spiritual and not religious, a person I can count on no matter what..a person not offended by my not believing in the god if Christianity…I believe in a higher power, but certainly not the god of Christianity. A person who understands we, as a society are treading on thin ice in a very bad place…our very way of life is at stake! A person that in their heart understands freedom…not just freedom for certain belief systems, but freedom for all to live life and make choices as they deem necessary in their personal lives…is that asking to much? Am I being unreasonable, unrealistic? I don’t think so. 

I’m tired…

Today marks the end of  some things in my life I’ve needed to let go of for a while…the end of a chapter, the end of trying to fit in, the end of pretending to be ok, the end of remaining friends with people I simply cannot relate too, the end of feeling I don’t have a voice…

Starting today, it’s the end…

THL