Been a few days since i've been here...funny how time gets away from us sometimes isn't it? Hopefully I can begin to do better and blog a couple times a week....time will tell!
So, have you ever got up one day and said to yourself....you know, what i'm doing isn't working? Have you ever thought or wondered why you chase after people, so-called friends that really couldn't give a crap about you on a deep level? Have you realized its time to change and go a new direction?
This has been where I am for a couple weeks now...the battles I have fought the past few years have been hard...harder than I can put into words...I see them finally ending...I am making peace with myself a little at a time...its nice...its ok just be who I am, believe what I believe and if that's hard for people...well, it just is...Facing the reality and hard truth of being in a cult your entire life is hard...life changing....having to reconstruct all you thought you knew is even harder...but i'm ok and will continue to grow and find my own way...
Friends...this is a hard one...I have lost several over the course of the years since leaving the cult...we no longer fit their agenda...it was hard because our hearts were in the right place and we truly loved these people...we cared for them like family....they were gone the instant we no longer 'believed' the way they did...Others, stayed around for awhile until it got to hard to hear us speak the truth...my truth, my husbands truth...people have a hard time with that don't they?
They don't ever tell you the truth about whats going on, its usually the deafening silence to the text you send....you never get response to emails...you call they don't answer and never call back that finally clues you in that your not as important as you once were...at first you make excuses that they are busy...maybe not feeling well...then one day it you get real with you and admit that these people that once seemingly had all the answers to your problems, suddenly don't know anything...you have become a burden to them...I'm in this place right now and its hard...another battle I must fight...
It's always been funny(not funny ha-ha, but funny weird) how when we have a similar belief system to our friends we are ok, but when we begin to question it, things go south quickly...I have learned and am learning people can't or wont answer the hard questions or tell you they don't what your talking about...crazy!...people mainly Christians cannot handle doubt...but I would also bet to say most of those that can't handle it have their own doubts they are afraid to voice...I grew up in a system of being told doubt was the devil/demons in your life...to doubt equated with being lost and going to hell....doubting meant you were not 'saved'....questioning meant you were rebellious...it doesnt matter there are contridictions in the bible...whatever you do don't question them or God will surely punish you...When we were attending the cult and doing what we were told to do and believed what we were told to believe we were ok with our 'friends'....they have all but disappeared out of our life...it saddens me deeply...I can say I have honestly never felt more alone in my life...but I also know sometimes we need the silence and solitude to find ourselves...My husband has been my rock and I have tried to his in this time of finding what were all about...
I find guided meditation to be amazing in helping me to release my anxiety and anger over all this...I have begun doing some simple yoga exercises and try to fill my day with positive thoughts....I do admit though I fail often at that one...Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call a friend and just chat openly and honestly about things...I hope in time to meet people looking for the same thing...
Meeting people is hard....The only friends we ever had were church friends....that's how we met people...we were taught unbelievers would drag us into their sin if we befriended them....I know, so wrong and very, very sad.......its like we're socially stunted in our ability to know how to meet others...i'm sure in some ways we are due to the enviroment we spent so many, many years in...We also live in a very rural area and most here when you meet them invite you to church....LOL....its just hard....while we are not atheist we are not sure what we believe....at least at this point....We are not 'anything'....I think at this time we are just exploring and finding what makes sense in our life, for our life...much of what we have taught was lies and flat out wrong...I personally have enjoyed reading about Buddhism, but i'm not sold on some of the practices...I identify with some of the teachings but not all....
I think I mentioned before I am by default a nature lover...I love nature...I admire it and could just sit in the sunshine all day long pondering all of creation...I told a friend one time I found God in nature....the lessons to be learned are many....she agreed with me at the time, and I knew she didn't get the depth of what I had spoken...for me...God is nature and nature is God....I have felt this way as far back as I can remember in my life....even as a small child...I truly find and feel God while in nature...they are one in the same...Christianity disagrees with this stance and thats ok....I was elated to find buddhism identifies with this idea...Whats strikes me oddly is that the Bible, the book christians hold in the highest esteem speaks alot about nature...there are many references and parables using nature as their teaching...seeds and sowers...eagles and chicks...many, many references...so for me I don't get the disconnect there, but for many christians there is one..we, humans are part of the earth....we came from the earth according to the bible....our bodies have the same minerals found in the soil, I don't believe this is an accident...however there is much more to this I won't get into here....but we do need to consider that in order to live, sustain life we need water from the earth....we eat food taken from the earth...animals eat from the earth....we are part of the earth...we came from it(if you believe in creation) and we need it to continue to sustain us...we are literally one with the earth....or thats how I see it...again this is a belief I have held many many years but never expressed it due to the fact I knew I would be blasted and condemned...In the sect of Christianity I was in this was all rubbish and held no merit so I tried hard to supress my thoughts, feelings and who I was...I hate that...I hate I wasted so much time...it brings me to tears knowing I have wasted many years of my life trying to be someone I wasn't to accepted by people that never really cared...
So now I am moving forward...trying to find my way back to me...who I am....what I want to do with what time I am afforded on this earth....I am hopeful to find others walking this same journey....people that are real and that can accept others for who they are and what they are...people looking to live peace and in harmony....
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